Let me begin by stating, quite clearly, that there are no
absolutes in parenting. Any parent that tells you that they “never” or “always”
is either a liar or a crazy person and, in either case, I advise you to stop
listening and flee the scene immediately. That said, my wife and I never let
our girls share a bed with us.
For the first couple of months of their lives, our
daughters slept in a bassinet next to our bed. That decision had less to do
with bonding with our beautiful baby girl and more to do with allowing my nursing
wife to feed said bundle of joy four times a night with a simple roll-over and
lift maneuver. But we also believed that we couldn’t spoil a baby at that age.
In those early months, no bad habits were being learned, no difficult to break
patterns were being set. (Other than maybe crying gets you stuff.) Once she became
more aware of her surroundings, however, our cohabitation period ended and we
moved her into a crib in her own room. From that point on, we taught our children
that they would sleep in their beds and mommy and daddy would sleep in theirs.
My wife and I felt that establishing our bed as an
adults-only zone was important for our and the children’s well being. Children
take over every nook and cranny of your world, both physical and mental. Toys
and clothes and unpleasant smells clog every hallway and room in your house.
Thoughts of “why is she crying?” and “are we saving enough for college?” and
“good god, where is that smell coming from?!” bounce around your mind day and
night. And so, we felt it imperative to our welfare that we create a childfree
space. A space to allow us to connect with each other, not as parents, but as
people.
Maintaining a loving, respect-filled relationship is one
of the most important, and often overlooked, aspects of being a good parent.
And nurturing such a relationship takes time and energy, neither of which new
parents have in abundance. A childfree bed allows for a few moments of
conversation and connection at the beginning and ending of each day. It’s also
a heck of a lot easier to get a good night’s sleep without a size 2 foot in
your face.
Established, enforced rules about sleeping spaces also
create more secure, happy children. As any parenting book will tell you (NOTE:
you should also avoid fellow parents that begin sentences like this), kids need
rules and limits. Predictable routines reduce anxiety and arguments. If
children understand from an early age that they sleep in their own bed, the
bedtime routine can be a fairly simple affair. In addition, at least based on
my own observations, letting children share your bed creates problems when
sharing a bed isn’t possible. If a parent goes out of town or the child visits
friends or family without their parents, suddenly the child is asked to sleep
without the familiar comfort of the family bed. Without that comfort, the child
can become angry, sad, or scared.
All of this isn’t really to say my kids never share our
bed. When they’re sick and they just want us to hold them, of course we let
them squeeze in. When I go out of town, my wife frequently declares it a “Girls
Night” and they’ll fall asleep together watching Frozen for the hundredth time. Those moments of rule breaking are
essential for health and happiness, too. Like a birthday dinner of ice cream,
it’s special precisely because it’s against the rules. Parenting isn’t about
absolutes, but giving love and support the best you can. Which, in our house,
means always sleeping in your own warm bed. Except for when it doesn’t.
